Love-Smart » Marriage

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

Cindy — Sat, 18 Mar 2006 21:08:24 +0000

by: Rich Gilmour
Article source: National Directory of Family and Marriage Counselors at www.counsel-search.com

When considering marriage counseling, it’s difficult not to wonder whether seeing a marriage counselor will actually work. This article provides some objective information based on data obtained from a national survey of marriage and family counselors and their clients. Also presented are several interesting opinions provided by individuals who have actually been through marriage counseling and were asked to comment on whether or not seeing a marriage counselor proved effective in helping their relationship.

In an article published by Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, clients of marriage and family counselors from 15 different states reported on their experience with counseling. The findings indicated that marriage and family counselors treated a wide range of issues in relatively short-term fashion, couple and family therapy are briefer than individual therapy, and that client satisfaction and functional improvement are quite high.

[*] Specifically, of clients from 526 marriage and family counselors in 15 different states:

98.1% rated services good or excellent
97.1% got the kind of help they desired
91.2% were satisfied with the amount of help they received
93% said they were helped in dealing more effectively with problems
94.3% would return to the same therapist in the future
96.9% would recommend their therapist to a friend
97.4% were generally satisfied with the service they received
63.4% reported improved physical health
54.8% reported improvement in functioning at work
73.7% indicated improvement in children?s behavior
58.7% showed improvement in children?s school performance
[*] Excerpted from “Clinical Practice Patterns of Marriage and Family Therapists: A National Survey of Therapists and Their Clients”, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy–Volume 22, No. 1

While the above study provides raw data that supports the effectiveness of marriage and family counseling, a very interesting discussion on the question “Does Couples Counseling Work” from a public forum devoted to this topic offers a less clinical, but still positive view. Based on what seems to be a very honest and frank discussion among couples “who’ve been there,” the answer to the question of whether or not marriage counseling is effective is a positive one. Read these posts on the Berkley Parents Network.

Regardless of the studies and opinions which seem to support the effectiveness of marriage / couples counseling, there are those who question it’s effectiveness. An article on the about.com portal, had this to say:

The science of marital counseling is being studied in great detail these days. Research is showing that it is not as effective as people think, that women seem to get more from it than men, and that it might not have a lasting effect on the couple’s marriage.

What type of couple gets the most from couple therapy? The answer is young, non-sexist, still in love, open couples.

Which couples receive the least from therapy? Some factors that can make couple therapy unsuccessful include couples who wait too long before seeking help, and often one or the other is set on getting a divorce and is closed to any suggestions that may save the marriage.

Excerpted from the marriage.about.com portal

Unfortunately, the data supporting the above-mentioned research is not specifically cited in the article. The article seems to imply that couples who seek counseling because they want their relationship to work are more likely to succeed with marriage counseling than are those who enter into counseling with the (perhaps hidden) truth that they already want out.

More opinions from folks “who’ve been there” can be found on the alt.marriage newsgroup. The following collection of discussion threads offers several interesting and insightful responses from people who have actually gone through couples counseling.

Are You Ready For Marriage?

Cindy — Mon, 13 Mar 2006 06:22:37 +0000

Are You Emotionally Ready for Marriage?
Ask yourself some serious questions and be honest. After all, marriage should be taken as a serious commitment. Are you ready to commit to this person for the rest of your life? If you have any doubts then you are NOT ready for marriage! Do you feel good about making such a commitment?

Do you understand that marriage is about sharing and compromise? If you are a person who is used to always getting his or her own way, then there may be certain adjustments you will need to make. Marriage involves giving up certain freedoms and privileges you have enjoyed while being single. You must consider the other persons’ wants, needs and desires. You can no longer act as a single person and go out drinking with the guys/gals every Friday night. Can you share living space with another person? Remember, half the closet, kitchen and the phone bill are now yours.

Are You Financially Ready for Marriage?
So you think you are financially responsible? You even have a little money saved for a rainy day? That is a great place to start. Yes, I said start! Being financially ready for marriage involves so much more than meets the eye. First, if you are young and haven’t finished college, I would suggest you wait to get married. Many couples have made the mistake in thinking that they can work, go to school, and still have time for a relationship. Unfortunately, this is seldom the truth. While marriage is a beautiful thing, it requires a lot of work. Burning the midnight oil can be stressful on a marriage. Why not get your education out of the way first?

Once you have secured a good position at a great company, you will want to make sure you start some kind of annuity or other savings plan. I don’t care if you are twenty or forty! It is never too early to plan for your future. Most fortune 500 companies offer 401k plans which is a great place to start saving for a secure future. If your company matches dollar for dollar, invest the max that they match.
Before you get married you should also do a run down on your debts. Do you have a house payment? What do you owe on your car? Do you pay child support? Have the two of you enough saved for your wedding? Do you have heavy credit card debt? Sit down with your fiancee and calculate just how much the two of you owe.

Last, but most important, after calculating your wedding expenses, how much do the two of you have in savings?

If after reading this, you feel that the two of you are ready for such a commitment, then congratulations! While I have shared with you that marriage isn’t always an easy thing, I think you will find that it can exceed your wildest dreams! If the two of you work together there isn’t anything that you can’t accomplish. Time to Start your Wedding Planning at Wedding-Smart.com!!

How to Keep the Passion & Romance Alive in Your Marriage

Cindy — Mon, 13 Mar 2006 06:19:58 +0000

In Ellen Kriedman’s book Light His Fire, her core belief is that men fall in love because of the way they feel about themselves when they are with their wife. Ms. Kriedman believes that if you don’t have a love affair with your partner, someone else will! Here are some tips to keep the flame burning in your own “house of love”.

· Tell your mate how glad you are that he/she is a part of your life and how lucky I am to have him/her.

· Tell your mate that I love him just the way he/she is and that I wouldn’t trade him/her for any other man/woman in the world.

· Compliment your spouse often for his/her physical attributes (anything you find sexy).

· Compliment your spouse for the things he/she does (from playing with the children, to fixing the car)

· Compliment your spouse for the things he/she says (if funny, complimentary, a dreamer, a problem solver, a verbal person, non verbal, etc.).

· Compliment your spouse for the things he/she stands for (honesty, loyalty, dependability, a risk taker, confident, etc.).

· Make a list of some famous character who are especially masculine (ex. For men: Tarzan, King Kong, Rocky, Rambo, Superman, Casanova, Adonis) or feminine (ex: for Woman: Cat Woman, Betty Boop, Jessica Rabbit, Wonder Woman, Holly-Go-Lightly (Breakfast at Tiffany’s), Venus). Find opportunities to compare your spouse to one of these characters, saying something like, “Oh honey, you’re as strong as the Incredible Hulk,” after he does something that requires masculine strength, or if she does something that shows her feminity.

· Listen to your spouse, with your heart, not your head.

· Validate his/her feelings when he or she has a bad day at work. Just offer understanding without giving advice.

· Avoid constructive criticism or trying to “fix everything”.

· Touch your spouse – every single day!

· When your spouse comes home from work or being away for the day, greet them with a 10 second kiss (let them know you would like to try this as an experiment. It will make you feel closer the rest of the evening!).

· Wear, use or display a gift from your spouse.

· The next time your spouse makes a suggestion, follow it.

· Remember to be a lover at least part of the time…

How to Keep the Passion & Romance Alive in Your Marriage, Part 2

Cindy — Sun, 12 Mar 2006 04:14:20 +0000

Here are more ideas to keep your love flame burning bright…

· Leave love notes for your spouse. Hide them in a lunch, purse, briefcase or around the house to surprise them.

· Write your spouse an old-fashioned love letter, love poem or write out the words to “your song”. Frame it and surprise your spouse with it.

· Take a vacation alone together at least once a year without the kids and go on mini weekend get-aways at least every few months if possible.

· Plan a weekly date night with your spouse and stick to it. If you can’t afford to go out to a fancy restaurant, find activities that are low budget, such as a free outdoor concert series and take along a romantic picnic lunch/dinner.

· Create a memory – do something different of out of character. For example: Meet your spouse at the door with a raincoat on and nothing on underneath or surprise your spouse by renting a hotel room close to his/her work and call them to have a romantic lunch interlude.

· Give into your spouse’s sexual advances, especially when you don’t feel like it and let them know how much you love them.

· Wear, use or display a gift item that your spouse has given you even if you aren’t thrilled with it. It will make them feel good.

· Surprise your spouse with a candle-lit dinner and flowers. Put on some romantic music and see where the night takes you.

· Plan a “theme dinner” for your loved one. Some examples that Ellen Kriedman gives in her book “Light His Fire”, are: A Hawaiian Haitus; A Night in Spain; A Morroccan Feast; A Venice Vacation; A Greek Picnic; A Japanese Party; An African Safari, etc. Make sure that you attend to every detail from type of food, music and costumes…it can really spice things up.

· Be his/her fantasy…go lingerie shopping together and wear the item he/she picks out.

· Plan things that let your spouse know you really care about them and that you are willing to put your time and energy into activities that create romantic memories.

· Send a message with balloons. Fill up your spouse’s car with balloons (rent an air tank, not a helium tank) and put love notes in each balloon telling your spouse why he/she is so special. Then tape a large needle to the windshield with a note explaining that in order to get in the car he or she will have to pop all of the balloons (which tell why he/she is the most incredible man/woman you have ever known).

· Make your spouse “King” or “Queen” for a day. Buy a crown from a party supply store with a note on his or her bed saying “This crown signifies that you are my king/queen and on Saturday you will be crowned king/queen for a day and the entire day will be devoted to your pleasure.” Start the day with breakfast in bed, followed by a massage and then a sensual shower for two. Plan a picnic at a nearby park (in a secluded place). Let him/or her nap and leave a note instructing your spouse to prepare for an enchanted evening. In the note send let your spouse know that there is a package waiting for them at a local video store where (that you have arranged for earlier) and have a romantic dvd wrapped up in a ribbon waiting for them to pick up. Mention in the note that even though they have just been handed an X-rated movie, it is nothing compared to the evening you are going to have together. You can also send them to pick up other “surprises” you have previously arranged such as lingerie, perfume/cologne, wine, etc. When your spouse arrives home have the atmosphere set up with soft glowing candles or red lights, romantic music and take your time using all of the “surprises” to create a romantic evening.

· Forget your underwear. Just before you enter a restaurant or your friend’s house, tell him/her you forgot your “undies”.

· Plan a surprise half-year birthday party. Invite all of your spouse’s friends to celebrate. This will be a much greater surprise than a party on his or her birthday.

· Have a photo session with your mate. Tell him/her that they are better looking than most models, and that you want some pictures of them for your purse/wallet or desk so everyone can see how gorgeous he/she is. Pose your spouse or dress them up. Display your favorite “model” photo in an obvious place.

IF YOU HAVE ANY SMART TIPS FOR KEEPING THE ROMANCE ALIVE PLEASE SHARE BY ADDING IT AS A COMMENT.