Making a Long Distance Relationship Work

June 16, 2006 | Author: Cindy | Filed under: Relationships

If you are reading this article it is either because you are currently in a long distance relationship or you are thinking of beginning one. If you are already involved in a romantic entanglement with a “geographically undesirable”, perhaps you are thinking of cutting them loose? Before you cast the final vote to boot your love to the curb let me share with you some secrets I have discovered on how to make a long distance relationship work.

Some years ago I too found myself in a similar situation. Unfortunately, everything about my love interest was perfect (so I thought) except for the fact he happened to live over 400 miles away. I recall thinking at the time those four hundred miles really isn’t that far. If he is the “one” we should have absolutely no problems working it out. If I had only known then what I know now I could have saved myself a lot of sleepless nights.
My viewpoint like many romantics was, “love can and will conquer all.” Looking back now I realize while both our intentions were good, a solid and mutually respectful relationship needs to be built on something more. This is not to imply in any way a long distance relationship can’t work After all I did title this “ How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work!” I just simply want to point out a few pitfalls to avoid, suggest a good time to bail out if it’s not working and offer a helping hand to those of you about to “dive” in.

Making the Decision to Date Long Distance
If you are lucky enough to find someone geographically desirable, count your blessings! For those of us not in that “club” I would suggest that you consider whether the relationship is really that important for you to commit your time and effort. If the answer is no, then move on now! If the answer comes up “I just can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else” then read on.

Mutual Commitment
I can not emphasize how important it is that both of you are committed to making this work. It is very easy when things are exciting and new to promise to call every day or set up plans to meet every month. The true test is not in the promises one makes, but in their actions. So often, in long distance relationships, people are well intentioned. In the beginning the calls are made, the trips are planned, the e-mail comes and then suddenly excuses are made and contact becomes less and less frequent. Ask yourself and your significant other if the two of you are honest about your level of commitment? Arrange plans to talk, visit, e-mail etc. Make your expectations clear. If contact is becoming less frequent speak openly and honestly before jumping to conclusions. People get tired, have other commitments, emergencies do happen etc. Once or twice does not mean the relationship is over! If you speak with your significant other in a way that is non defensive you are much more likely to get a straight and truthful answer. If a pattern of excuses continues for too long it would be best to bail out. “When do you know if it is too long?” you ask Your intuition will tell you, “ Hey, I think that was a load of you know what he/she just gave me.” Remember, the other person’s level of commitment should match yours. If you are trying to build a relationship on partial truths and find yourself always making excuses for why he didn’t call, bless him and send him packing.

Mutual Trust
Trust never comes easy, but in a long distance relationship it takes work. Both of you need to feel secure with all that distance between you. Part of that includes keeping your partner informed about what’s happening in your life. Don’t shut your significant other out and assume they couldn’t possibly care less about your family, friends and experiences. They want and need to know that your opinion matters and that you have told your friends that you are in a loving, caring and committed relationship.
Daily e-mails are a great way to keep them in the loop. Try leaving a message on his or her voice mail “Hi honey, going to the game with the gang just called to say I’m thinking about you.”

Keeping In Touch
I can not over emphasize how important it is to touch base with your loved one in some small way. I would suggest at least several times a week you make contact. Send gifts, cards, e-mails, phone calls, in person visits, old fashioned letter writing, whatever you can do to keep it going. Do not assume that letting days, weeks or even long periods of time go by without an explanation will not bother your partner. You may feel secure because you know you are not doing anything wrong, but your partner undoubtedly will need the assurance at some point.

Planning for the Future
There comes a time in every relationship when you have to make plans for the future. If this relationship is to move forward then the two of you will have to decide where to live. Will you move in together? Will you get married? Do you simply want to live closer to see how it goes? Obviously one or the other will have to leave their job, family and friends behind for this to happen. In my relationship, like so many others this is where it fell apart. My ex talked about moving here on many occasions and I even saw his job applications filled out! Keep in mind that I offered to move to where he was located on several occasions, but he was emphatic about moving California. However when it came right down to it he just didn’t want leave the life he had made for himself. Soon the excuses started to come and yes I bought them hook, line and sinker! The straw that broke the camels back was when he was hired by a local company and he turned it down. To top things off he sent me an e-mail explaining; “When I broke it all down it just wasn’t enough money” Imagine getting that in your box after waiting years! Gook Luck Mel.

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53 Responses to “Making a Long Distance Relationship Work”

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53
Beckie Says:
April 7th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Hello,

I am also involved in a long distance relationship. We only live about 2 1/2 hours away from each other but still it is long distance for both of us. We met on myyearbook and we have been together for 3 weeks now. We see each other every weekend and talk on the phone and on the internet every day. Because of our lives we are unable to move in together. He is part owner of a business In Phoenix and I have 2 kids in school here in Tucson.

We have been talking with each other for almost 2 months. I know most of you that read this will say that we are rushing into things too fast but when you truly love someone and know in your heart that this is the one and the only one for me, there is no such thing as rushing into things. We are so much alike in so many ways. It feels like two puzzle pieces that were ment to fit together. We are talking marriage and he wants to adopt my kids. He’s such a loving man.We are both very happy even though we are over 100 miles away from each other. We will be moving in together in June 2008.

I have a message for the other person that left a comment.

If this guy your seeing doesn’t want you to hang out with your friends then he’s asking you to not be yourself. It sounds to me like he wants to control you. And if your having to lie to him because of this, this is not a healthy relationship. He should love you for who you are and not what he wants you to be. If I were you I would be careful. I’ve been in a similar relationship and I ended it because he wouldn’t allow me to do anything unless he was by my side. If you would like to contact me you can find me at rp76wr71@yahoo.com

signed,
True Love In Tucson, Arizona
52
filipina pen pal Says:
February 27th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
oh.. long distance relationship??? I’ve been there.. really hard.. constant communication is really important!!
51
ice_cerise Says:
June 29th, 2007 at 2:48 pm
hi! i am also involve in a long distance relationship. my boyfriend and i are together for two years time. i know he loves me much, i can feel it.he’s been my best friend, family and lover at the same time. we see each other quarter in a year. everytime i am in trouble, he never leaves me (though not physically). everyday he always calls me, check if i’m doing good. but my problem is that he’s so strict. i can go out with my friends most especially if we’re with our boy pals. i cant go out if it’s nothing important. to make it short, he doesnt want me to unwind unless i’m with him. and that forces me to lie to him everytime i go out. as much as i want to be true to him, but i realize i also need to unwind most specially that my work is too tiring. i hope he can forgive for the lies i have. but anyway, we’re planning to settle down three years from now. i hope we can make it.

thanks!