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HOW TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
March 11, 2006 | Author: Cindy | Filed under: Relationships
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that was less than you expected? Or maybe you know of a friend or family member has become involved with someone who did not treat them appropriately and may have even been abusive. This is an all too common situation that can happen when searching for that right person. Many times these individuals do not show their true colors until later on in the relationship when intimacy has been established, thus making them harder to leave. Unfortunately, I have known of friends and family members who never intended to get involved with someone of that nature, yet it can happen to anyone, especially if one is not careful. Fortunately, there are warning signs, which can signal that this individual is not healthy and good for you. As you search for that special person, keep this list handy.
Signs and Characteristics of an Unhealthy Relationship
· He/She is jealous of your close friends, family members and all other men/women.
· Moody, unpredictable. Moods are extreme or change quickly.
· Selfish. Cares more about his/her needs and wants than yours. (Only concerned with “I”, instead of “we”).
· After the initial first or second date, doesn’t want to take you out again, just wants to stay in and watch movies/ have sex.
· Pushes intimacy before you are ready or is sexually aggressive.
· He/she starts planning your future right away.
· He/she hates his/her mother or father and treats him/her badly.
· He/she always wants your undivided attention.
· He/she must always be in charge.
· He/she always has to win.
· He/she always asks where you went and whom you saw.
· He/she can’t take criticism and always justifies his/her actions.
· Only calls you when he/she is drunk (a booty call) or doesn’t ask you out ahead of time.
· Uses you for sex, but doesn’t take you out on dates.
· Never has money, expects you to pay for everything.
· Has a bad or violent temper (especially when he/she doesn’t get his or her way).
· Isolates you from friends and family.
· Brings you down by criticizing you or putting you down (verbal abuse).
· Blames you for his/her problems or things that aren’t your fault. Blames you for everything that goes wrong in his/her life.
· Too needy or dependent upon you.
· Too demanding or unrealistic expectations. Expects you to be his/her “Slave, Maid or Mother/Father-figure”. May even expect so much of you that you are unable to take good care of yourself.
· Is Manipulative/controlling. Tries to influence you to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing like missing work or breaking the law.
· He/she often says you don’t know what you are talking about.
· He/she makes you feel like you are not good enough.
· He/She withdraws his/her love or approval as punishment.
· Doesn’t care about your feelings or makes you feel bad for having feelings.
· Is secretive about his/her past (may be an ex-convict, pedophile, con-artist or sex-offender).
· Has had multiple failed relationships.
· Cannot keep a job.
· Flirts with other men/woman when you are with her/him.
· Cheats on you or insists upon having or hiding relationships with other men/women from you.
· Lets you know up front that he/or she is not interested in marrying you, but wants a sexual relationship anyway.
· Brings out the worst in you.
· Not trust worthy. Takes/steals from you/ uses you. Takes more than he/she gives back.
· Asks you for money, credit cards, loans or other financial assistance too early on in the relationship.
· Pushes you, holds you down or hits you (physically abusive).
· Influences you to compromise core goals, morals or values.
· Won’t talk to you about the relationship or whatever you may want to discuss, always avoids serious conversations.
· Judge-mental of your life and struggles, although has his/her own share of problems.
· Emotionally distant or goes to someone else to get emotional support. Avoids closeness instead of connecting (intimacy).
· Doesn’t follow through with promises. Breaks them all of the time.
· Always angry for something you did or didn’t do.
· You find yourself apologizing to others for them or making excuses for them.
· You give them chance after chance.
· You end up paying for their sins or forgetfulness.
· You resent them or nag them.
· He/she is addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.
· Is unable to admit they have weaknesses. They believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
· Is defensive instead of open to feedback.
· Is self-righteous vs. humble.
· Only apologize, but never change their behavior.
· Avoids working on their problems instead of dealing with them
· Demands trust instead of earning it.
· Blames others instead of taking responsibility for their lives.
· Lies instead of telling the truth.
· Is stagnant instead of growing.
· Stays in parent/child roles instead of treating you like and equal.
· Gossips instead of keeping secrets.
· Is unstable over time instead of consistent.
· Flatters you instead of confronting you.
· Condemns you instead of forgiving you.
· He threatens you with harm or destroys your property.
· You feel like you are always walking on “egg shells” when he/she is around.
Signs of a Healthy Relationship
· Communication is open and spontaneous (including listening).
· Rules/boundaries are clear and explicit, yet allows flexibility.
· Individuality, freedom and personal identity is enhanced.
· Each enjoys doing things for self, as well as for the other.
· Play, humor, and having fun together is commonplace.
· Each does not attempt to “fix” or control the other.
· Acceptance of self and other (for real selves).
· Assertiveness: feelings and needs are expressed.
· Humility: able to let go of the need to “be right”.
· Self confidence and security in own worth.
· Conflict is faced directly and resolved.
· Openness to constructive feedback.
· Each is trustful of the other.
· Balance of giving and receiving.
· Negotiations are fair and democratic.
· Tolerance: forgiveness of self and other.
· Mistakes are accepted and learned from.
· Willingness to take risks and be vulnerable.
· Other meaningful relationships and interests exist.
· Each can enjoy being alone and privacy is respected.
· Personal growth, change and exploration is encouraged.
· Continuity and consistency is present in the commitment.
· Balance of oneness (closeness) and separation from each other.
· Responsibility for own behaviors and happiness (not blaming other).
In the Book Safe People, by Cloud &Townsend, the subject of healthy relationships is covered extensively. The main components of a good relationship listed there are:
· Draws us closer to God.
· Draws us closer to others.
· Helps us become the real person God created us to be (brings out the best in us).
· They are able to connect with us in a way that we know that they are present with us.
· They love and accept you just as you are, which allows growth.
· Allows us to speak the truth about our faults (honestly) to one another without fear of condemnation.
394 Responses to “HOW TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP”
Leave a Reply
March 30th, 2006 at 12:01 am
I had this friend, well that ’s what I thought of him. He told me he loved me, bu tat the same time he was hiding the truth the whole time. Later I found that he hasd a child which was 1 yrs old. He avoided me for a whole week. If he loved me, why did he lie to me. It wasn’t because he knew how I would’ve acted, he was afraid I waould leave him alone. Now I miss him and when I try calling he doesn’t even answer the phone.
March 31st, 2006 at 8:18 am
the person u have just said doesnt love u.Its painful to hear and know that the person u love does not love u. u r right that if he loves u, he would not lie.
April 2nd, 2006 at 1:22 am
I met my fiance in a bar back in August. Being in the military i haven’t been home much. We stayed in touch and talked on the phone every day for hours. We grew and grew, and when i went home for a week it was perfect. I proposed to her shortly after. She went through a long relationship before me. Parts of her make me believe she still wants the party life no matter what she says. She gets angry at me very easily. I am stationed in Japan, thousands of miles away from her. I have a year and a half here before we can live together in the states. I went home adn things were perfect, but when i got back here we started fighting again on the phone. I get jealous easily of her going to bars with her friends. We say bad things to each other when we are angry. In the end we always say we love each other though. Its very hard on both of us. We do love each other no matter what happens, but we keep fighting, what do we do?
April 3rd, 2006 at 4:52 pm
i have problems with my boyfriend going out with friends alot
April 4th, 2006 at 10:44 pm
I have made the biggest mistake of my life and I am afraid because I don’t know what to do. I have envolved my child and myself with a man much older than me. He is very aggressive, abusive, verbally, emotionally he is destroying my self-worth. I don’t know how to get away from him.
April 10th, 2006 at 7:14 pm
im confuessd im 37 and in love with a 18 year old we met on the internet.he says he loves me very much and i know that i love him but i feel like im holding him back because of the his age i dont know what to do
April 11th, 2006 at 3:51 am
i and my gf started our relationship on phone..she lives in the city thats thousands of miles away..we seldom see each other (once or twice a year). we talk everyday for hours. It went good for about a year but now i am really freaking out..i don like to listen to her things on phone, i don like to share things with her and i easily get irritated on everything..I feel this is all because we haven’t spent time together and we dont have any moments to share..
What do i do ?? should i quit ?
April 12th, 2006 at 9:35 am
wel…i cn say this wer really..as in …TRUE..
i adore who wrote this list & i truly believe that those wer facts…keep it up
April 14th, 2006 at 1:12 am
well for lucy ..i think that u should deff try to get out of that realtionship n move on ..for the simple fact u have a kid , if he is abusing u then what makes u think he isnt goin to do the same to ur child .. its not a safe enviorment for ur child n also for u .. try to save money wit out him knowing about it n move into a small apartment .. or go and live wit a family member or a close friend that will help u get threw this .. i wish u the best of luck and hope everything works out for u .. but u sound like a nice women and i think u should try and do better no women deserves to be treated like that
April 19th, 2006 at 3:44 am
HULLO,THANX ALOT FOR THE ABOVE NOTES ABOUT HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.
I HAVE BEEN BLAMING MYSELF ABOUT SOME THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN GOING ON IN MY RELATIONSHIP AND THINKING RELATIONSHIPS ARE MEANT TO BE THAT WAY,FORINSTANCE ASKING YOU FOR MONEY IN THE EARLY STAGES.
THANX VERY MUCH
April 20th, 2006 at 7:53 pm
when i started working for GAP, i got close to this guy, we became good friends and we use to flirt a lot, than i started having very strong feelings for this guy, than something happened in the stockroom we kissed, since that happened we kept on seeing each other. We kept it secreat so that no1 will find out at work.Than after a couple of months he left GAP because he found a career job and hardly had time to meet up with me, sometimes we will meet 3 time a months, times 2 times a month. We went out for one year, and we just broke up a week ago and am missing him so much, i really really love him and i don’t know what to do. He told me that i should move on and find some1 who can be there for me and have time for me, but i dont wan’t some1esle in my life, i wan’t him. I really need some advice, am stuck…
April 21st, 2006 at 10:04 am
I´ve been in a relationship for 6 years now, we have one child who goes to kindergarten, and another one on the way.
We are both over 25. My boyfriend is hesitant to get married to me, lately he has been quite abusive to me(only verbaly). I don´t know what I am doing wrong, he has his freedom even though we have been living together for 5 years. I discovered about 6 months ago that he had been lying to me about where he was and who he was with while I had night shifts at work (when our child was at her gradmothers for the night). I don´t think he is having an affair but do think he might have have been going to strip-clubs. I am really unhappy he has apologized for the abuse and said it will never happen again but I can´t help thinking that it will.
I am starting to think that I have ruined his life, but he wanted to have children too. He always says that he wnts me forever but he won´t marry me, I think he is waiting for somone better to come along.
April 21st, 2006 at 9:12 pm
i made a biggest mistake in my life..im on relationship with a guy who has a family..i really love him so much!what would i do?
April 23rd, 2006 at 12:23 am
this things can help me a lot.thanks..
April 26th, 2006 at 9:10 am
hi..im just sending a message to lisa..listen i understand u 37 and he 18 ..age aint nothing but a number …but when people see u to 2gether they goin to look at ya but it doesnt matter ..if he loves u and you love him it dont make a different because ya both in love. but i hope ya have a great life 2gether..gd luck..
April 28th, 2006 at 5:16 pm
Who decides what relationship is healthy and what isn’t? What kind of list is this? We r talking about matters of the heart here. If u start making lists with what is ‘normal’ and what isn’t, then u r on the way to being abnormal!
April 29th, 2006 at 12:12 pm
I am in a relationship that is very unstable right now. She cheated on me, and returned home after three weeks. I found out about a bunch of lies and internet things she is/was doing. I don’t trust her, what do I do? I am a jealous person already, and I feel like I am unsure if her return is permanent or temporarily. Help!!!!
April 29th, 2006 at 12:17 pm
I agree about the “List”, how can a person’s future be dictated by a list ? Or, does this list only give you ideas or plants the seed about acceptable behaviors that you yourself nee to determine if you find it acceptable?
May 2nd, 2006 at 1:12 am
I met this guy fifteen years ago. He was very nice to me and made me happy.I was younger then he was. I was a new girl in town . I really didnt know better. He alwasys shoewd me a good time . I left home and move in with him. The only problem he was always busy. All I knew it was so many girls around that liked him. i couldnt take it any more so i left. i lost contact with him. I got married and had kids.i left my husband. I prayed evry day and cry. that God would give me another chance to see this man again. God had answer my prayes . Im so happy we are now together. its not like i want it too be. im not going to rush it. just have faith and dont jump into it.Dont let man a bring you down.
May 4th, 2006 at 8:05 am
am in a relationship for six years now. we both love each other very much, when ever i made a mistake he get anoyed and will not talk or be on good terms with me for about five days and if i apologive he will not listen. when i called on a friend or a third person to apologise he get anoyed. pls i love this man and we would be getting maried soon. sometimes is not my fault to make this mistake. him getting angry with what ever mistake i do is what i dont k now, blames me of everything that goes wrong. he is very high tempered. gives me presure, and like friends, no privicy in this relationship. pls i want to make him happy we realy love each other but this is my problem advise me on how to make him happy and how to be with him so that i will not lose him.
May 5th, 2006 at 6:38 am
pls i need your help i like making complains in my relationship which is what my man does not like pls advise me on how to stop and how to make him happy cus i love this man i dont wont to loose him
May 8th, 2006 at 3:03 am
in my mind,a good relationship must honest,always tell the truth,open heart,love self and others, generous and always smile.
May 12th, 2006 at 1:57 am
Me and my boyfriend are in a very committed relationship. I am 21 and he is 41.We have been going out for the past five years and we have such a wonderful and healthy relationship.He grants me my freedom and I grant him his.We also have a one year old daughter together and we truly are happy together.So it seems that age ain’t nothing but a number after all.
May 15th, 2006 at 6:51 am
Refer to post 11 of 11 of April 2006, hi girl the same thing happened to me on the 4th of May 2006. I met this guy at work and we started seeing each other last year, everything was great till I got a promotional post also in the same town, it has been a month with my new job. He broke up with me and told me to move on and said I will find someone who will appreciate me and the most painful thing is that when I call him he will send me an sms which says ‘move on and put all behind you’.
Now the question is what have I done wrong, I never cheated on him or something.When we started dating I was single and happy but he convinced me that he would be the best lover and I was so stupid and I agreed. Girl I cant sleep at night (I use pills), I cry everyday and is affecting my school work as well as my job. I thought of killing myself, My life is so miserable.
May 15th, 2006 at 8:34 am
i am in a fantastic relationship at the moment.
i am 19 and he is 27. we have so alot in common and realy care for each other.
we see each other every day and can not bare to be away from one another for too long.
i waant to really start having a bit space and i have told him, he is ok with it, but i don’t know how to disciplinae myself to be without him for a day.
PLEASE HELP!!!!
May 19th, 2006 at 1:56 pm
well here we go well i have been in love with my girl girl friend now fore a really long time it goes back to the 8th grade we are now both 30 and new years night she was all i wanted for the rest of my life i love her in so manys ways then it all happen one night in late jan we went out and we had i lot of just like all ways and then it happen we kissed like we never did before as time move on in our relationship i started looking back at the past and let the things that happen to me come beteew us and now she wants space and i want her what do i do
May 30th, 2006 at 1:43 pm
Mutual respect – Does he or she get how cool you are and why? (Watch out if the answer to the first part is yes but only because you’re acting like someone you’re not!) The key is that your BF or GF is into you for who you are – for your great sense of humor, your love of reality TV, etc. Does your partner listen when you say you’re not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values who the other is and understands – and would never challenge – the other person’s boundaries.
Trust – You’re talking with a guy from French class, and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he knows you’d never cheat on him? It’s OK to get a little jealous sometimes – jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when he or she feels jealous is what matters. There’s no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don’t trust each other.
Honesty – This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it’s tough to trust someone when one of you isn’t being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you’ll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.
Support – It’s not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but can’t take being there when things are going right (and vice versa). In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.
Fairness/equality – You need to have give-and-take in your relationship, too. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner’s friends as often as you hang out with yours? It’s not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, of course. But you’ll know if it isn’t a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.
Separate identities – In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn’t mean you should feel like you’re losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives – your own families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc. – and that shouldn’t change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don’t, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.
Good communication – You’ve probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don’t seem to speak the same language. We all know how many different meanings the little phrase “no, nothing’s wrong” can have, depending on who’s saying it! But what’s important is to ask if you’re not sure what he or she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the miscommunication is avoided in the first place. Never keep a feeling bottled up because you’re afraid it’s not what your BF or GF wants to hear or because you worry about sounding silly. And if you need some time to think something through before you’re ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that if you ask for it.
June 5th, 2006 at 12:34 pm
me n my man have a goodrelationship.and i luv him to death i dont want to lose him.but sometimes i do stupid things thinkin am savin him but it ends up scruwin everythin we built up.we have a one n half yr old son now,and for that its a must thing that families are influencing us and thats where our big issues raise up.plz anyone has an advice or anyone who had the same problem n knows wat to do,tell me now.
June 8th, 2006 at 1:31 pm
I need some advice. I just left an 11 year relationship and am now in another relatioonship with an awesome person but i have some concerns.
June 27th, 2006 at 9:16 am
I had been w/my boyfriend for over 2 years.lived w/him for a year.We are both the same age,close to 50.I was letting him know quite often that I would like to get married.He got scared because he had been hurt very badly after a 23 yr marriage.He told me he was afraid of that commitment.He is a very jealous man and the 2 years we were together we were agreeably committed to eachother.Thats the way we were both brought up.He told me he thought I should move out so I did.It’s been 5 months now,we still saw eachother until 2 months ago.He stopped calling me.He said he needed to be alone for a while He couldn’t say he didn’t love me anymore.All he could do when I asked him if he still loved me was say (not like I did).He knows I still love him.I hadn’t talked to him in 2 months,so I called him the other night.He sounded by his voice that he was delighted to hear from me.We talked about 10 min.and I told him I had called to see how he was,and that I would like to be friends.He answered (yes).When I said I was going to hang up now,he kept the friendly conversation going for a little bit.Then I told him I needed to hang up and I would call him another time.He said OK and I ended the call on a friendly basis.He is a very insecure person and has a hard time making ends meet.I love him very much and even do to the fact that he doesn’t call me at the present time,I can tell he was delighted to hear from me.I know he doesn’t feel like he can be in a relationship because he can’t hardly support himself and he’s depressed.But we were together for over 2 years.I will always love him and pray that he comes back to me.I need some advice on my cituation.Should I just keep in touch and be friends,patiently w/him.Maybe in time he will get back to his old self? We nether one have considered seeing anyone else at this point. He just doesn’t contact me like he used too.Please give me some advice or incentive here if possible. Thankyou so much steph
July 6th, 2006 at 9:08 am
iam going out with someone who have a kid and she tells me that they seperated with the husdand but everytime the husband phones she doent want me to hear what they will be talking about and it looks like that guy is still in control,i realy love this woman please tell me what i shouls do
July 7th, 2006 at 2:11 am
am really appreciative of the list though for ma case only about 3things apply but irritate me so very much that i get moody and my fiance then gives me space till i communicate first.
however i believe that our hearts give us better decisions than our minds when it comes to relationships.no one is perfect and no one can get a perfect partner be-fitting all qualities we would desire in a B/F or g/f,but all u need to have is love enough to stand his/her imperfectio,as long as he too accepts u 4 who u are.after all scienctists say opposites attract,so u cannot change them to be like u,but love them just the way God made them
September 4th, 2006 at 11:40 am
crapppppppppppppppp
want answers not questions
November 10th, 2006 at 9:45 am
love poems make me happy and miss my true love………i love u true love
February 8th, 2007 at 6:12 am
i’m good man and also i’m poor i don’t lie and i don’t know why girls at the moment lies plaese where ie that girl whish i love in this world ….
March 8th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
I have been with my bf 4 years and 3 months to be exactly, and at first sex was great and after i had a vaginal infection and i got surgery there, after that we didn’t do it like we used to because it was painful 4 me. After all that happened, i got well and i was ready to have sex any time, but now it seems like we are so use to not having sex that we see it normal (not having it) but we talked about it and he wants to have sex and so do i but there is not chimestry in bed between us i don’t know why. He says i am atractive and i like his body and i want him but sometimes i don’t like the way he does it and i don’t feel like doing it with him. also i love to kiss for a long time and he doesn’t. that’s what turns me on but not for him, so the things i like he doesn’t and viseversa. What can we do to have sex and can enjoy it? if he doesn’t like to kiss me for a long time and i love that and he wants just to have sex, without talking, he makes not sounds at all and i would love to hear him moaning and nothing, he is very quite, what can we do?
And we love each other very much and we r thinking about getting married but we agree that we can’t get married with somebody who don’t feel chimestry in bed with the other person, so, we need help bad.
March 20th, 2007 at 6:09 am
i just wanna share with you my story about love…I was kinda a late bloomer u know what I mean. I had my first bf when I was 22, he was really the first of evrything, it’s not actually LOVE what i felt towards him at that time, it was more of FOOLISHNESS. I entrusted myself to him believing that he’s responsible enough whatever happened to us after but it turned out to be a nightmare for me. I got pregnant and maybe because of the lack of knowledge about it, I never had the courage to tell him that I was pregnant what I did I broke up with him and left. After I gave birth I told him what happened and he was like really scared I don’t know why, he told me not to bother him anymore because he has his own family which really made me shock. But, after 2 years he was able to accept me and our child. But the problem now is he wanted to get me back like he wanted to continue our relationship eventhough he’s married already to someone I dont think it’s fair on my part and to his wife. I still have feelings for him but I don’t want also to be a homewrecker…
February 26th, 2008 at 6:20 am
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I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view…
February 27th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Hi emmanuel.. I understand that you love the girl.. and I don’t want to be judgemental.. but I guess wat u need to do is talk to her.. confront her. Tell her u love her so much and that u don’t wanna loose her but u can’t live with a dishonest person.. if she will lie to u and u will find out by yourself then u don’t have the choice but to leave her.. at least u tell her already how much you wanna be with her and that if she still gonna keep lying then its her fault.. keep in mind.. it’s not your lost by hers.. she can never find someone as sweet and lovable like you.. you deserve to be love in return u know..
March 19th, 2008 at 12:15 am
Hello to everyone. I need some advice. If your bf would tell u that if you really love him, you will not hesitate to make love with him and give your self to him….
April 24th, 2008 at 3:22 am
Delsie…
To do something, however small, to make others happier and better, is the highest ambition, the most elevating hope, which can inspire a human being….
April 27th, 2008 at 1:26 am
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Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same….
May 1st, 2008 at 1:21 am
Veronique…
Plant the seeds of expectation in your mind; cultivate thoughts that anticipate achievement. Believe in yourself as being capable of overcoming all obstacles and weaknesses…
May 7th, 2008 at 9:01 am
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May 7th, 2008 at 10:08 am
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