Safely Get Out of an Abusive Relationship

March 18, 2006 | Author: Cindy | Filed under: Relationships

Recently, in Oprah Winfrey”s “O” Magazine the topic of abusive relationships was hi-lighted. In an article by Aimee Lee Ball, entitled “She’s Come Undone”, we are shown how a beautiful, intelligent and highly educated woman married a man who turned out to be extremely abusive and controlling. This man did not show his true colors until after they were married, but over time things became so bad that she eventually found a way to end the relationship. Unfortunately, this was not until after he had caused immeasurable damage to her selfworth. This woman was able to escape a violent man without experiencing much physical harm; she did however receive a great deal of verbal and emotional abuse. Studies have shown that verbal abuse can actually be more psychologically damaging than the physical type.

In Miss Ball’s article she expresses that “No woman is too smart, too pretty, too wealthy, too anything to be immune…” from domestic abuse. Think Nicole Brown Simpson or Hedda Nessbaum. The most import fact is that when you recognize that you are in an abusive relationship, you must also be aware that statistically things get worse over time, not better.

In my early 40’s and finding my self recently divorced, I never imagined I would find myself in an abusive relationship…especially because this man was someone I had been set up with through a member of my church. As, I mentioned earlier, no one is immune. It took me longer to get out of the relationship than I expected, but I feel I am now in a safe place physically. The emotional scars are still healing though and I will be ever so careful to watch for any warning signs in future relationships.

In order to get out of an abusive relationship you may have to take drastic measures. Aimee Lee Ball, the author of the article in “O” magazine lists some suggestions for getting out safely. Of course it is much easier when there are no children involved, but many woman in abusive relationships may not have such luck. Here are some of Miss Ball’s suggestions:

· Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-SAFE, which provides 24-hour crisis intervention and referrals to local services.
· Look in the Government pages of the phone book, ask at the hospital, or call 911 to find agencies and shelters in your area. A battered-women’s home may be the last place you can imagine yourself in, but there are many different kinds of facilities—day and sleep-in—most of which are staffed by experts who recognize that abuse happens at every socioeconomic level.
· Never tell an abuser you are leaving, because that’s when things can escalate.
· Make copies of key documents such as your birth certificate, marriage license, and insurance policies. Note bank account numbers and social security numbers. Make a duplicate set of keys for home and cars. Put discretionary money in a safe place (not in a purse or a drawer).
· If you phone a lawyer, shelter, hotline or service agency, hang up and immediately dial the local time or some other innocuous number so that your partner can’t use *69 or the re-dial button to trace the call. If you have caller ID, make sure you erase all incoming numbers that could tip him off. Also, be careful to cover your tracks when using your computer and going on the Internet. It is safest to use a computer that your partner doesn’t have access to (at work or at the public library). Otherwise, cover your tracks by deleting “cookies” (once you’re online, go to Help box, click on index, and find Cookies for instructions) and recently visited websites (you’ll need to clear your History list and empty your Cache files—again, go to Help option for details).
· Establish a code to alert friends, family or neighbors is you’re in danger. “You can’t depend on using the phone, because he might rip it out of the wall, so your code might be pulling a shade halfway down.”
· At any point in the process, joining a support group can help relieve the isolation and lend some perspective. “Many women don’t want their relationships to end,” says Liz Jones, who manages community education and an outreach program of Sojourn, a sanctuary for battered women and their children in Santa Monica, CA. “They make excuses for the abuse, but somebody having a bad day isn’t an excuse to call you a whore.”

From my own personal experience:·
Consider taking legal action, such as getting a restraining order if necessary. Document the abuse and keep the legal documents handy in case the police have to be called. They will respond faster if you have more information at hand.
· Consider moving from the area, many abusers are also charming and will do whatever they can to get you to take them back. Close the door to the relationship and don’t ever go back as it will only get worse. I found from personal experience that every time I took him back the abuse worsened. Life is too short to be miserable.
· Remember, there are lots of good, kind, respectful and loving men out there waiting to be found, when you are ready.

If you have any advice to share about How to Get out of an Abusive Relationship, PLEASE share it with us in the Comments Box!

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 18th, 2006 and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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